As high as the sun?
Dina nervously trudged up the moss strewn path. A walk she’d done a hundred times, but never with legs so heavy and heart so weary. She opened her bag and checked the letter that was in there. Nervously she jangled the keys in her pocket, dropping them on the floor before picking them up and slotting them in the keyhole. She took a deep breath and pushed herself in.
Familiar smells mixed with must assailed her. The hall had a dull glow from the part drawn curtains, dust catching in the shafts of light.
She stepped first into the front room, pictures lined the walls of Dina and a smiling strong competent woman she had known some time ago. Dina stood frozen to the spot for a moment, finally breaking the spell she left the room.
Dina turned into the kitchen a, source of so many happy times with her mum. She opened the cupboard to see all the spices that her mum put in to give the meals she made such distinctive tastes. Dina hadn’t enjoyed these exotic flavours at first, but now couldn’t eat meals without, even though they never tasted the same.
Next was the cupboard with the medicine and pills that Dina’s mum would give her when she was ill, sitting on the side of her bed rubbing Dina’s stomach telling her everything would be OK. Dina used to believe that. Dina pulled her hand out and got herself a glass of water.
Dina climbed the creaky stairs, and stood paused outside the room that had been her mum and dad’s, before her mum moved into the spare room as it caused too much pain to sleep in there.
Dina always wanted to know more about her dad, but it was too painful for her mum. She couldn’t talk about it. Dina wished she had pushed her mum more, but it was too late now. Dina couldn’t understand how or why her dad left her and her mum and the yearning to understand burned within, a raging fire that had no hope of being extinguished now.
Dina had sneaked into her parents room a number of times as a child, it had always seemed to her as a room like any other, she couldn’t understand her mums fear. She entered again, a knot building tighter in her stomach as she placed her items next to the bed and took a seat. Staring at the large tiled wall opposite, something caught her eye.
There was something Dina swore had never been there in all her years in the house. One of the tiles had an arrow pointing on a diagonal up the skies and beyond, crudely etched on. Dina couldn’t comprehend this. She reached to the side of the bed and washed her thoughts down with a couple of large gulps of water. She flopped fully onto the bed, sleep taking her grief weary body.
********************************************************************************************
The thought played around in Dina’s fuddled head, she couldn’t shake it. The months, the years, the minutes had taken their strain she wasn’t thinking straight. No she was, she’d never been thinking clearer in her life. The tile was a message; Ad Astra — to the stars. From who, or what, the message had come from she didn’t know but she could not ignore the sign. She would travel as high as she could, up there were the answers she needed.
The impossibilities, no difficulties, of reaching such a height seemed nothing but a minor distraction. Dina was motivated by…what, she wasn’t sure, but she would rise up and get answers from who was up there, her heart said her dad, the rational counter argument buried into the familiar store in her mind. She would find him up there and hold him to account.
A quick search of the internet and Dina had some idea for a balloon based craft. Going outside Dina found her shed bizarrely stocked with all the things she needed, her mind in no place to question the irrationality of this; bits of washing machine, lawn mower and car for the hull, welding equipment, thousands of balloons, helium and oxygen tanks. In some lost dread daze, Dina began to put things together.
She also found sheets and rope, though not sure how to use these, Dina stuffed them in the craft. She packed some cheese and pickle sandwiches and a thermos of tea. She was ready, though not really knowing what ready meant.
With the plan in place, she sat in the chassis of the machine and began inflating and attaching the balloons. Time to find answers. Keep moving.
********************************************************************************************
As more balloons attached, Dina felt a gentle sway in her hastily cobbled together vessel. One more balloon, and no mistake the ground was starting to move away from her. She felt the rise, the weightlessness, the momentary lightness in her heart.
Dina floated ever higher, seeing the curvature of the Earth, the beauty, the endless possibilities that had been hidden from her for so long.
She rose and rose, all was peaceful, an unfamiliar disconcerting calm. Dina’s taking in of the beauty of the gentleness around was gradually broken by an awareness of a light, a heat.
Dina crossed to the other side of the vehicle to where the light source was. Her heart pounded in her chest as she saw just metres away from her capsule was a mass of flames, suspended, burning. It writhed and moved before finally settling on a shape. Limbs flickered a kindly face licked.
“Hello” said the shape, its voice light and its tone bright.
“Err…hello” said Dina back, not sure what else to say in response.
The creature paused and looked intently at Dina “Are you not scared?” it asked curiously.
Dina considered this for a moment “I’ve seen a lot of fears realised of late, and they don’t look anything like you.” She smiled at the creature “Should I be?”
The creature chuckled “No, not really. I look fierce, but I’m just a curious traveler moving from realm to realm” was its considered reply.
“What are you looking for?” Dina asked.
A half smile flickered across the creatures features “I’m not sure, everything. Nothing. I guess just to see what I can see, learn what I can learn, meet people I can know. No destination No target. The universe for the sake of the universe. And you? What do you seek?”
Dina blinked rapidly, a pressure built in her chest, a question she hadn’t wanted, she looked around her vessel “this is going to sound crazy…”
“I’m a being made of fire. Try me” the creature spoke gently.
Dina’s voice cracked a little “I saw a sign in my parents house, their former house, an arrow pointing to the sky and I thought it was a sign from a father I never knew to…to…you haven’t seen him?”
The creatures face stayed fixed in a smile “An arrow pointing up?” it said at first, seeming confused by this, before seeming to gather its thoughts “I see so many people. What was he like?”
Dina’s attempts to stifle the sob failed her “I don’t know! He…he left, abandoned me, when I was three” her shoulders heaved “I’ve only old photos of him, his face a frozen mask in my mind. It was too painful for my mum, she’d never tell me where he went…why he went. I’m not sure how he could do that to her. Do that to me!”
“What do you think happened?”
Tears streamed down Dina’s face “I don’t know, I don’t know anything” she wiped her nose on her sleeve.
The creature cocked its head to one side and laughed, Dina was taken aback, hurt. “I’ve not seen your father. Not to my knowledge.” Dina turned her face away “And yet, he clearly is a special being to inspire a love in someone as smart as you who would come this far to find him”.
“I have no idea what he inspires. Or what he was. And do you think it was love that brought me this far? Because I don’t” Dina spat back, stung.
The creatures eyes burned a bright orange “Yes I think its love. And in time you will too. A woman who could build this vessel, travel this far to seek him. These are some qualities. And some of these are from him in you.” Dina dabbed her eyes and stared at the creature “Dedication, love, a desire to understand, curiosity, striving. Some of that is him. All of that is you. I’d say in your own way you found him. Though he never went, he was always in the same place inside you.”
Dina cast her look down “That makes no sense.”
“Much doesn’t at the time. And sometimes never at all. Sometimes the feeling is all, even if it is amorphous.” The creature spoke softly.
Looking around Dina muttered more to her self than the presence outside her ship “So I came all this way to find something that may exist within me in the first place. I’ve got the same as before. Another sick joke on my weak mind, a further twist of the knife?”
The creature brought its face nearer to Dina, she could feel the heat flush on her cheeks “you met me” it said kindly. Dina felt herself involuntarily smile.
Dina nodded “Its been a pleasure. This conversation. You. And being up here, I never knew the beauty of Earth until I took myself out of it.”
A look settled on the creatures face she couldn’t read it, was it pride? The creatures face quickly dropped “My child, I’m sorry, I came to close, I’ve damaged your craft” Dina could see the balloons coming loose, the ship start to drop. Dina considered her options and eventually settled on the escape option, she picked up the sheets and rope she had realised on the way up were her emergency way back to Earth, should she want to take it.
“Its OK, I can return on these. Thanks for the chat its been…its been…just thanks” she said her voice weak, despite an unusual feeling of contentment inside her.
“You’re welcome.”
Dina attached the makeshift parachute as the vessel dropped lower and the creature kept pace with its altitude “You never said your name” Dina looked the creature in the inferno of its eyes.
The creature laughed “It doesn’t matter. I hope you find what you seek. Be kind to yourself.” With those words filling her Dina leapt over the side of the vessel.
********************************************************************************************
Dina woke on the bed and heaved multiple times. She righted herself back onto the mattress, pain wracked her body. She found herself surrounded by sheets. Sheets and rope. She took a heavy gulp of the half full glass of water. She again picked up the bottle next to it, pushed the cap down and twisted the top. She stopped, again the tiles caught her attention from the corner of her eye.
She spun and looked again at the tile, she got off the bed and moved nearer, her heart once more thumping against her chest. The tile seemed charred at the edges and where Dina had sworn it pointed up, it now pointed down to the bottom right corner of the tile where Dina saw a hole. Dina got her finger under the hole and the tile lifted away.
Inside was a plain wooden box. Tears rolling down her cheeks, Dina lifted the box. Raising the lid she saw photos of a man and child. The unmistakable features in the man told her all she needed to know. She wiped the stinging tears from her eyes. She turned the photos in her hands. Underneath the photos was an envelope.
Heart thumping against her chest, Dina tore at the envelope removing the letter with nerve strewn clumsiness. Dina unfolded the letter and began to read ‘To my beloved precious Dina, I’ve so much to tell you and so little time…’.
At the window behind Dina, the light of the day slowly faded away.
